Merry end of the year. I’ve survived another season of the BAD months, and that is something to celebrate. This year they were particularly bad. I guess that’s why I have avoided writing – because this makes it real, ya know?
It starts in September. There was a 5th birthday, to which I sent no present. I didn’t even know where to begin. How do you? I’ve said before that it is like putting my heart in a box and mailing it away to send presents, and that is just as true now. I don’t know what he is in to. I don’t know what he already has. I just don’t know.
Halloween. There was none of that in my life. We turned off the porch light, stayed in and pretended it was just another day. I could not handle it, knowing my son was out doing his thing and I didn’t/wouldn’t even get a picture. It was too much.
Thanksgiving? I boycotted it this year as much as I could. We went to the casino, blew money we didn’t have to blow, and then had a bar style Thanksgiving dinner. It was nice to people watch, especially in the area that this bar is in. I was thankful to have The One by my side while my heart ached.
Then came December 14th. What is special about that day, you ask? It was the day 26 people were killed inside an elementary school on the east coast. This hit hard for me. The beginning reports were that the kids involved were all 5-6, which ended up being close to true. Cue anxiety, as there is a 5 year old on the east coast that owns my heart. Even now, writing about it is hard. There was some good in it, though. I finally found the courage to message T on the bookface and ask her to hug Monkey for me. She messaged me back (!!) and we discussed some things. According to her, she was never mad at me. Ok. We can go with that. After all, I have everything to lose, so I have to. I found out that the EX’s new kid looks a lot like Monkey. I’m not sure why, but that was a major kick in the gut. In the end, she hugged Monkey for me and stopped responding to my messages.
Cut to Dec 16 – The One came home from a weekend with Sugarbutt. We had an argument that was partially fueled by my emotional state (see Dec 14) and partially fueled by frustration/stress. The One had spent money (that I desperately needed for gas) on something he said he wouldn’t and I just was at my wits end. I am of the opinion that his medication is not managing his illness well, and he is certainly spiraling out of his own control. Whatever it is, he left that night. Exactly what I needed in the midst of an emotional weekend and lead up to Christmas. I’m not sure what to say of our status right now, other that we are hoping that this space will allow us both to examine what we really want.
Then there’s Christmas. Oh Christmas. I’d rather just ignore the whole damn day. This year, I got to miss two little boys. Sugarbutt had a whole smorgasbord of presents to open from me that were likely not marked as being from me. That happens when you are suddenly no longer in the picture. Monkey got nothing from me, again a moment of self-preservation. No pictures, no phone calls, no texts. There was nothing from his family to me.
Today, I am recovering from the BAD months, heartbroken and hopeful. I don’t know what the new year will bring in so many ways. All I know is that things will be different.
With Love Always